WALT write a narrative through the eyes of one of the children or one of the soldiers.
Beyond the lines is a war animation that I have put into a narrative instead of video.
I hope you enjoy it but first, here is the link to the video, I suggest you watch the video first so you get an idea about what I am writing.
I have also recorded me reading my story if you can't read.
Going Beyond The Lines.
It all started with reading letters, and suddenly, our hearts are beating. My heart is racing… Breathe… Breathe… AND RUUUUN!!! I feel like I am actually in the war! I feel like I need to cry! I hear gun fires, I smell something burning and I’m holding onto my brothers hand to keep safe.
My tears get in my way and I trip up, my brother and I look back, we see soldiers being shot so we run off into the distance. We go behind what seems to be a gigantic piece of metal, we look over the gigantic piece of metal and see our grandfather but young! We need to get over to him so we can hide by him! My brother and I run towards our grandfather, we hide by him and feel protected. We’re alarmed that we see people dying and we look in horror, it was like I’m feeling like those dead soldiers, I feel dead.
A bomb hits us and we fall into a hole, we don’t know what to do next. I feel pain, all I can taste is dust because it’s flying into my mouth. We just hold onto each other waiting for help, our grandfather jumps into the hole and holds onto us.
We seem to be back in reality now, it was so terrifying that my arms were shaking!!! I knew we never should have read the letter! Our Grandfather takes the soldier hat off me, he folds the letter and gives it to our grandma who puts it and the soldier hat into the box of war things. We wait by the door for grandma, we go downstairs and we think about what terrible things we had done. It felt like we were, beyond the lines.
Outstanding Zayd! You have really captured the mood in your story. You have used short sentences effectively and described using your senses. I thought your opening sentence was great, it sets the tone for the whole story. Your next step would be to improve your ending. It seems rushed. Rhetorical questions would be very powerful. Does the audience understand that the boys weren't actually at war they were just reading letters?
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback, I'm about to change it now. That will help people like my story and my blog more.
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